No parent is perfect — and that’s for the best, according to child psychologist Becky Kennedy.
When parents make mistakes, and then make an effort to repair those missteps, they teach their kids important lessons about maturity and bonding, Kennedy told comedian Trevor Noah’s “What Now?” podcast in a Dec. 4 episode. Those lessons can help kids maintain happy and healthy relationships going forward, she said.
“We learn the most in our relationships when people take responsibility for their behavior, when people repair,” said Kennedy, a Columbia University-trained child psychologist, host of the parenting podcast “Good Inside” and a mother of three children herself. “I wouldn’t want to deprive my kids of that opportunity, and that’s such [an important] part of healthy relationships.”
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Repairing a mistake or a rift is the best way to get closer to another person, Kennedy said, calling it “the ultimate relationship strategy.” In parenting, those repairs can strengthen the parent-child bond and give your child a model for how to own up to their own mistakes, said Kennedy. They can teach kids that it’s natural to make mistakes, and how you respond to them matters.
Other parenting experts broadly agree: Parents should model to their children how to bounce back from a mistake by apologizing and then moving on. Learning that mistakes are inevitable rather than a sign of inherent flaws can help your kids avoid the stress of perfectionism, which can lead to long-term mental health issues like anxiety and low self-esteem, according to developmental psychologist Aliza Pressman.
“If our kids didn’t see [our mistakes], they would not have much hope that they get to make mistakes and grow and still be loved and be worthy,” Pressman told “The Mel Robbins Podcast” in a July 28 episode.
‘Every parent does that’
For her part, Kennedy said that she’s far from a perfect parent, admitting to Noah that there have been “innumerable” times where her kids threw tantrums — and all of the lessons she teaches about leading with empathy went out the window.
“I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again, and I mean it with such honesty that my kids don’t have some Dr. Becky[-type] person as a mom,” she said. She recalled an instance where one of her kids whined about what she’d cooked for dinner, and she lost her temper and yelled at the child. You shouldn’t do that, of course, she noted — but if you do, don’t be paralyzed by the shame or guilt of losing your cool.
“Every parent does that,” said Kennedy. “There’s not one parent who has not been in that situation.”
As for why you need to own up to your behavior: Consider “what happens for a kid when the person they depend on for safety becomes the person who scares them,” Kennedy said. It’s “a very frenetic experience” that can leave your child overwhelmed as they try to cope through a mixture of “self-doubt and self-blame.”
Instead of blaming your child for the frustration that caused you to lash out, say something like, “I’m sorry I yelled,” said Kennedy. “And this line really matters: ‘It’s never your fault when I yell. I’m working on staying calmer, even when I’m frustrated. I love you.'”
The apology is just a first step for parents who are prone to outbursts, Kennedy added. If that’s the case, she recommended working on catching yourself before you lose your cool by taking the time to identify what triggers your frustration. That way, you can try to take a beat and calm down with a deep breath rather than resorting to yelling, she said.
“You can’t help your kid if you’re not doing some type of internal work,” said Kennedy.
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