Do you ever catch yourself worrying about what might happen next or replaying an awkward conversation for the 10th time? You’re not alone. But you’re also not helping yourself.
As a therapist for nearly 25 years and the author of “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” I’ve noticed one consistent habit that sets mentally strong people apart: They never waste energy on things they can’t control.
Choosing to worry only about things you can control sounds simple on the surface. Actually committing to it is tough.
But with a few practical shifts, you can start directing your mental energy into what really matters, feel more effective, and boost your mental strength.
Escape the anxiety-control loop
Whether you’re refreshing your inbox repeatedly as you wait for an important message or fixating on what someone else might do next, worrying about things you can’t control is a trap. It feels productive, but it backfires.
Trying to control your environment gives you some temporary relief from the anxiety that accompanies uncertainty. But as time passes and you can’t control every outcome, your anxiety will rise even higher.
Ruminating also drains your cognitive bandwidth. The more you try to control the things around you, the less energy and time you have to control the things within you, like your emotional state. Your performance may suffer and your productivity will decline.
Start noticing where your energy goes
You might invest a lot of time wishing things were different or spend hours researching every possible outcome instead of preparing yourself to do your best. It’s easy to get so caught up in worrying about things you can’t control that you don’t notice when it’s happening.
Run a quick audit to see where your energy goes. Start by drawing three concentric circles on a page:
What you can control (inner circle): This includes your effort, preparation, attitude, boundaries, and skills.What you can influence (middle circle): This circle is for the things you have some but not full control over, like the tone of a meeting or how others perceive you. What you can’t control (outer circle): This covers other people’s choices, company policies, the economy, and final outcomes.
Think about your top five worries right now and place each one into the circle where it belongs. For an item in the inner circle, commit to taking one action to address it today. For items that land in the outer circle, commit to leaving them alone so you can focus all your energy where it counts.
Ask yourself 3 simple questions to refocus fast
When you encounter a challenge that’s taking up a lot of your time, use these questions to direct your focus to whatever is within your control:
1. ‘Am I dwelling on the problem or working toward a solution?’
If you’re thinking about all the worst-case scenarios and the unfairness of the situation, you’re dwelling on the problem.
Shift to thinking about the solution. Ask yourself: What action step can I take to increase my chances of success? Rather than debate and ruminate on whether things will go well, invest your energy into preparation.
2. ‘Do I need to change my circumstance — or how I feel about my circumstance?’
Sometimes, it’s important to address your circumstance by setting a boundary, changing a habit, or adjusting your plan.
Other times, the best use of energy means addressing the distress you feel about a circumstance you can’t change. In that case, you can take a short walk, focus on your breathing, or reframe the situation so your next decision isn’t driven by anxiety.
Much suffering in life comes from putting our energy into the wrong place. If you have a stack of bills staring at you, meditating isn’t going to make your financial problems disappear. You’ll need to focus your energy on making a plan to pay them.
But if you’re anxious as you wait for a family member’s test results for a health issue, endless research won’t change the results, and meditating might help you manage your anxiety while you wait.
3. ‘What did I do today to grow mentally stronger?’
You can’t always control outcomes, but you can control whether you grew as a person. As a therapist, I can’t control whether my clients get better, but I can control whether I sharpen my skills, prepare well, and show up.
Identify one thing you did today aligned with mental strength. Maybe you held a boundary, practiced a skill, or spoke up when it was hard.
Measuring your day by the effort you put into growing stronger keeps your focus on what’s within your control and prevents mental exhaustion.
Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker and instructor at Northeastern University. She is the author of several books including “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.″ Her TEDx talk “The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong” is one of the most viewed talks of all time. Follow her on Instagram and LinkedIn.
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