As a clinical psychologist who has worked with couples for over 15 years, I’ve seen the same patterns surface again and again in therapy.
Many of the conflicts that bubble up in long-term relationships often come down to three core beliefs that quietly undermine honest communication. If you find yourself believing these three toxic myths, you may be harming your relationship more than you realize:
Myth #1: If my partner really loved me, they’d be able to read my mind
You wouldn’t expect your partner to know your favorite flavor of ice cream without being told. But you may expect that if they really loved you, you wouldn’t have to explain why you are hurt or angry. But true partnership requires us to express our needs, especially when we’ve been disappointed or hurt.
Too often, couples fall into patterns where they feel upset but never articulate why. Maybe they respond with one-word answers, give the silent treatment, or hint at their feelings through sarcasm. This approach might feel less confrontational in the moment, but cloaking the hurt you feel in passive-aggressive comments can compromise your connection.
How to handle it: Lead with this mindset: “If you have a problem with me, talk to me about it directly.” This doesn’t mean enraged outbursts or accusatory monologues. It means describing your experience in straightforward, honest language and inviting dialogue rather than hostility.
This kind of transparency builds safety and keeps small issues from snowballing into resentments.
Myth #2: Healthy couples don’t fight
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. How you navigate those disagreements when they arise is what will make or break you. When a partner is not willing to take accountability and apologize, there is no room for repair. An apology is a statement of respect.
How to handle it: Genuine accountability. That means acknowledging the impact of your words or actions, even if your intention wasn’t harmful. You might say something like, “I see that the way I spoke to you yesterday made you feel dismissed, and I’m sorry for that. That wasn’t my intention, and I will do better.”
The simple act of recognizing your role in the conflict invites the other person to respond in kind and keeps cycles of blame and denial from taking root.
Myth #3: If I said it in anger, it doesn’t count
Abusive or toxic conflict is marked by behavior that seeks to control, intimidate, or diminish the other person rather than resolve the issue — often through insults, threats, contempt, or gaslighting.
Although anger may blow over when the argument is over, the impact of hostile language stays with your partner and erodes the foundation of trust and safety in your relationship.
How to handle it: When you disagree, do your best to use calm language, not insults or derogatory names. Stay focused on the issue, rather than attacking the other person’s character. And don’t interrupt. You’re on the same team, so approach this fight like you are tackling a shared problem. Now is not the time to keep score.
If you notice that these three beliefs inform how you interact with your partner, the first step is to have compassion for yourself. We aren’t to blame for the beliefs we’ve been taught, but we are responsible for our own growth.
These strategies require intention, reflection, and humility. You won’t always get it perfect, but your efforts toward upholding these practices will pay off.
Dr. Molly Burrets is a psychologist with nearly two decades of experience in couples therapy. She is an adjunct professor at the University of Southern California. She earned her doctorate from Texas A&M University and completed her predoctoral residency at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, where she was honored with the Distinguished Clinician’s Award.
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