Everyone loves a good party. And the best parties typically have at least two important factors: a gracious host and respectful guests.
But in a world where parties can include everything from birthdays, engagements and housewarmings to pet adoptions, divorce finalizations and reality show reunions, some of the traditional etiquette guidelines that help keep parties fun and cordial for everyone may have fallen by the wayside.
Hosts who rely on their guests to pay for the party may be setting themselves up for disappointment, for example. And guests who don’t show their appreciation and respect for the host’s efforts can also sour the mood.
Here are eight tips for hosts and guests to avoid common party faux pas, according to two etiquette experts.
For party hosts
For those tying their apron strings and putting out festive hand towels, here are four expert tips to host an event well.
1. Make changes thoughtfully
Your invitations have gone out, RSVPs have been collected and it’s almost party time. But after some consideration, perhaps you want to change the venue, theme or guest expectation, such as moving from a catered dinner to potluck style.
If you’re going to do that, make sure you are clear about the change with your guests and don’t be offended if they back out in response, Diane Gottsman, nationally recognized etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas, tells CNBC Make It.
“When you change, you have to take in consideration everybody else as well,” she says. She generally doesn’t support guests changing their RSVP after they’ve informed the host, but finds it acceptable if the host significantly alters the party’s agenda.
“If you change your mind, [guests] can change their mind too,” she says.
2. Don’t ask your guests for money
Some party hosts may think it’s fine to ask their guests to chip in financially to cover the cost of a celebration. But Elaine Swann, founder of The Swann School of Protocol and author of “Elaine Swann’s Book of Modern Etiquette,” says that is not appropriate.
“You should not be asking people to help you pay for something that you’re hosting,” she says.
There’s a difference between potluck-style events or group dinners where everyone orders together and individuals pay their own way and a party that you plan and host, she says.
“When you host something, you are the host,” she says. “You’re supposed to bring it together and do all the things, unless it’s potluck style.”
Gottsman agrees. She says it might be OK to ask for money if guests know what to expect, like during a group dinner at a restaurant. But in that case, “it’s also clear you’re not really the host, you’re the coordinator,” she says.
3. Don’t put your guests to work
While it’s perfectly fine for guests to offer to help set up or clean ahead of of a party, Swann says hosts should not expect it. “Don’t put people to work,” she says.
Part of being a good host means having the space ready when guests arrive to remove any of the pressure for them to pitch in with set-up, she says.
“It doesn’t mean that you can’t be heating up the last few things or maybe garnishing a few things, but be somewhat ready,” Swann says.
Similarly, if guests offer to help clean up after the event, or automatically start washing dishes or taking out the trash, the host should make it clear that’s not necessary, Swann says.
4. Be present and set boundaries
Having your home or other space ready when guests arrive will help you be fully present when the party begins, Swann says. And with that, she adds that hosts should start the party at the appointed time and not keep on-time guests waiting if others are running late.
“Honor the folks who are present,” Swann says.
Additionally, Swann encourages hosts to be transparent about their boundaries and plan accordingly. For example, if you don’t want people staying late, make the deadline to leave clear, she says.
For party guests
Going to parties can be less stressful than hosting your own. But that doesn’t mean there are fewer etiquette rules to be aware of. Here are four tips from Gottsman and Swann to be a courteous guest.
1. Ask what you can bring
Asking if you can bring something to add to the party fare is “not an outdated etiquette rule,” Gottsman says.
Some hosts may say, “Don’t worry about it,” and others may say, “A bottle of wine is great.” Either way, it’s polite to offer to take a small item off the host’s plate, Gottsman says.
If the host has explicitly asked guests to bring side dishes or snacks and you don’t have time to stop at a store, it’s polite to offer to chip in financially, she says.
2. Honor the host’s wishes
However, if the host tells guests not to bring anything, “don’t bring anything,” Swann says. Despite what your mother may have told you about never showing up empty handed to a gathering at someone’s home, if the host explicitly says not to, abide by that.
“That means that the host has got the menu taken care of,” Swann says. “They have paired everything together. They do not need your contribution. They only want your presence.”
The same goes for clean-up at the end of the party. If you offer to help wash dishes or put things away and the host declines your offer, “follow the request and stay out of their way,” she says. “When a person tells you no, it means they don’t want you touching their stuff.”
3. Bring a gift
In a slight contradiction to the advice to bring nothing if nothing is requested of you, Swann says you should still bring your host a small token of your appreciation. That can be a bottle of wine, a candle for their home or something else that shows you’re grateful for their hospitality.
But if you bring wine or another food item, “that gift should not be something that you expect them to pair with their meal,” Swann says. Make sure they know it is purely a gift for the host and their family.
4. Be considerate
It may seem like a no-brainer, but plenty of party hosts can tell you horror stories about guests who tracked in mud or used all the gravy at dinner. When you’re invited to someone’s home, make sure you’re respectful of their space and resources.
For example, only put food on your plate that you know you’re going to eat. “If you serve it, you eat it,” Gottsman says.
Swann agrees, adding that guests should “always do things in moderation.”
“If you’re pouring a glass of wine for yourself, pour it in moderation. If you’re putting food on your plate, put it on your plate in moderation,” she says. “[You can] always go back and get more…in moderation.”
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