Public tantrums can feel like one of the most dreaded parts of toddlerhood. That sinking feeling of panic and embarrassment is something nearly every parent experiences.
As a mom, former nanny and author of “Transforming Toddlerhood,” I’ve seen all the behaviors. Every tantrum and power struggle can feel like a personal failure. And the fear of judgment and shame can unravel even the most steadfast person.
But what I teach as a parenting coach is that every tantrum is a chance to better understand and strengthen the bond between you and your child. Here’s how:
1. Move to a more private space
If your child starts to melt down in public, make sure both you and your child are in a safe environment for them to do so. At the grocery store, for example, you might go into a quieter aisle or a bathroom.
Take deep breaths, stay calm and remind yourself that this is not an emergency. Staying calm is the most powerful thing you can do during a tantrum once you know your child is safe. Your steady presence is essential for helping them to regulate their emotions.
2. Pay attention to their boundaries around physical contact
When it comes to your child’s comfort during stressful moments like these, follow their lead. Pay attention to how much physical closeness a child can handle during a tantrum. Sometimes less is more. Offer a hug or to simply sit nearby, if they’re receptive.
If a child is hitting you, you might have an impulse to hold their hands, but that can sometimes feel restricting and lead to greater upset. One way to help them establish a clearer sense of personal space is by sitting with them but placing a cushion or a bag between you.
3. Use simple and consistent language
First, if they are exhibiting any unsafe behavior, calmly but firmly set a limit around actions like hitting or throwing, with a phrase like, “I won’t let you hit.”
If the tantrum is more about them feeling overwhelmed, try validating statements like, “I know that’s upsetting,” or, “I’m here to help.”
Keep your words clear and predictable. Then invite them to express their feelings, without judgment.
As things start to calm down, offer them some choices that are within your own boundaries. Provide some clear, age-appropriate options to give them a sense of control.
In a grocery store, for example, those options could be something like, “Would you like to ride in the cart or hold my hand,” or, “Would you like to hold the list or help me push the cart?”
4. Take some time to regulate your own emotions
A big part of managing tantrums isn’t just helping your child regulate their emotions, but also how you regulate yours.
During a public tantrum, people will almost always stop and stare. Even if it’s just out of curiosity, it can feel like judgment. But before you let that get to you, focus on what you can control in that moment.
Don’t take it personally. Remember that your child’s tantrum isn’t a reflection of you as a person or of your parenting. Shift your perspective. Instead of thinking your toddler is trying to cause a scene, understand that they’re really just having a hard time coping. Manage onlookers. You have the choice to ignore them or respond with objectivity and compassion. A simple “I’m doing my best” can go a long way. Manage overwhelm. If at any point a public tantrum feels too overwhelming, it’s perfectly fine to step away to a quiet space, allowing your child to work through their emotions while giving yourself a moment to ground. This might mean abandoning your cart at customer service or in the aisle and stepping outside or going to the car to calm down. Remember, you and your child are both human and doing your best.
Devon Kuntzman, PCC, is a parenting coach and the founder of Transforming Toddlerhood. On a mission to dispel the myth that toddlerhood is a “terrible” stage, Devon wants to empower parents to confidently navigate the ups and downs of toddlerhood. She is also the author of “Transforming Toddlerhood: How to Handle Tantrums, End Power Struggles, and Raise Resilient Kids—Without Losing Your Mind.”
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