Recently, I was talking to my two middle-school sons about the importance of listening the first time they’re asked to do something, especially when it really matters.
But before I got far, my oldest interrupted, rolling his eyes: “Bruh, it’s not that deep.”
“FYI, I’m not your bruh,” I replied.
The exchange reminded me of a meme that I had shared with them: “Mom asks. No one listens. Mom repeats five times. No one listens. Mom screams like a rabid animal. Kids: ‘Why is mom so crazy?'”
For many parents, that is a very familiar situation. But there are some tools I picked up during my psychiatry and family therapy training that I have been using for more than two decades in my practice and at home. They actually get your kids to listen, and fast.
1. The XYZ technique
This is a simple script that can help defuse tension and get through to your kids in the moment: “In situation X, when you did Y, I felt Z.”
You might say, “When I asked you to clear the table but you went to your room, I felt invisible and disrespected.”
It targets behavior, not the person, and avoids absolutes like, “You never help!” that often lead to defensiveness. By naming the situation, the action, and the impact, you make the feedback specific and easier for kids to act on.
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2. The sandwich technique
Start with praise, add the nudge, close with encouragement. Praise and encouragement are the “bread,” and the nudge in the middle is the sandwich filling.
You might say, “I’ve noticed how much effort you’re putting into class. Planning ahead could help even more. You should feel proud. Keep it up!”
This balances validation with correction so kids feel capable, not criticized — and it reinforces that your love for them is unconditional, even if their behavior sometimes needs adjusting.
3. Use humor and speak their language
Once, when my kids were bickering instead of getting ready for their sports games, I quipped: “The rizz ain’t rizzing. The vibe’s not vibing. I’ll be back when it is.”
They groaned, “Cringe, bruh.”
But minutes later, they were suited up for their game.
Humor, even badly delivered slang, can cut tension and get kids moving. Sometimes the quickest way to connect is to meet them where they are, by using their own vernacular — “no cap” (means “no lie”).
4. Let them be in charge
Invite kids to help create the rules, whether it’s a vacation itinerary, a chore chart, or a sleep schedule.
When kids feel they’re making choices rather than being forced into compliance, they take ownership of the plan. Ultimately, choice fosters responsibility and real follow-through.
And trust me, if you give them the chance, kids can be astonishingly creative. One of my kids once presented a bar graph showing that Taco Tuesday produces 40% more dirty dishes than any other night. Therefore, they should only do dish duty on Wednesdays.
Another time, I got this bedtime defense: “My friends don’t go to bed until 11 p.m., and since five of them said so in the group chat, that’s basically peer-reviewed research.”
Now, as for that earlier chat with my boys, in the end, they begrudgingly laughed at my “bruh” clarification, and listened — just enough. That’s really the win for any parent. We’re not looking for perfection, just progress and understanding.
Dr. Sue Varma is a board-certified psychiatrist and distinguished fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, with over 20 years of experience in both private practice and as a clinical assistant professor at NYU Langone Health. She is the author of “Practical Optimism: The Art, Science, and Practice of Exceptional Wellbeing,” which has been translated into a dozen languages and counting. To learn more, follow her on Instagram and Linkedin.
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