Most people make a common communication mistake that almost instantly makes them sound less confident, according to speaking expert and Texas-based trial lawyer Jefferson Fisher: They say “I’m sorry” way too much.
“If you want to sound more assertive in any given situation, No. 1, you want to eliminate the over-apologies,” Fisher told serial entrepreneur Emma Grede on a July 1 episode of her “Aspire” podcast. “Whenever you eliminate the over-apologies, [you reinforce the idea that] your self-worth is not tied to how little of an inconvenience you can be with someone.”
If you forget to reply to an email, for example, and respond, “So sorry, I’m just getting back to you,” or you miss a text and apologize for not responding sooner, you can be perceived as weak or like you’re seeking approval, said Fisher, the bestselling author of “The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More.”
“Heaven forbid you have priorities. Heaven forbid you’re dealing with something with your kids,” he added.
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Twenty-three percent of people in the U.S. apologize for something outside of their control at least once per day, according to April 2023 data from YouGov, which surveyed 9,594 adults. Eleven percent said they do this several times per day. Gen Zers particularly tend to over-apologize, the survey found.
Sometimes, of course, you do need to apologize. Offer an apology when it counts, like after making a mistake or wronging someone, to come across as sincere and to ensure your words carry weight, executive coach and leadership expert Patrice Williams Lindo told CNBC Make It in 2022.
Just don’t do it simply to soften the blow of whatever you actually have to say. Unnecessarily apologies can undercut whatever statement comes next, and act as a placeholder for nervousness or fear of being judged, keynote speaker and CEO Lorraine K. Lee wrote for CNBC Make It in May.
“Once you start noticing it, you’ll see it everywhere,” Lee wrote.
Similarly, stop using crutch phrases that signal hesitancy, like “I hate to bother you,” or “This is probably going to be a dumb question, but…” said Fisher. Find an accountability partner who can call you out when you unwittingly utter those phrases, he advised.
You can also replace words like ”sorry” with something stronger. If you’re late to a meeting, try saying “thanks for your patience” instead of “so sorry I’m late” to show authority and assertiveness, Lee wrote — and only say “I’m sorry” if you genuinely mean it.
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