Being “amenable and helpful” at work isn’t a bad thing, but people-pleasing won’t further your career, according to Kate Mason, PhD.
Many professionals feel that saying ‘yes’ to every ask is necessary to maintain positive relationships in the workplace, says Mason, a communications coach and author of “Powerfully Likeable: A Woman’s Guide to Effective Communication.”
“Culturally, we have coupled likability with deference,” she says. “We think that in order to be likable, in order for people to think I’m great or to want to be around me, I must accept every inbound request.”
However, we do ourselves a disservice when we “bend over backwards” to accommodate others, Mason says.
People-pleasers often neglect their own needs in their quest to be helpful, which can lead to resentment and burnout, clinical psychologist Debbie Sorensen told CNBC Make It in 2023. Additionally, employees who take on too many tasks may struggle with “chronic stress” due to overwork.
If you’re prone to people-pleasing, Mason suggests taking a moment to think before you agree to a request.
Mason herself uses a simple litmus test: “What is future Kate going to be happy that she signed up for when present Kate says yes?”
“If you can really get in touch with that and just give [yourself] a second of reflection, that’s probably a good way of deciding whether you’re people pleasing or doing the thing you want,” she says.
How to stop people-pleasing at work
The saying “No is a complete sentence” isn’t always great advice for the workplace, according to Mason, and setting boundaries can be tricky within an organizational hierarchy.
When your manager asks you to take on another task, “you often don’t have the capacity to say ‘no thanks,'” even if you’re already busy, she says.
Instead of immediately agreeing, Mason recommends opening a conversation with your boss about managing your priorities:
“I’ve got four other things that I’m working on this week, so where would you like me to prioritize this? I’m happy to take it on, but given that there are four other things, is it number one or is it number five?”
Asking your manager how to juggle those extra tasks isn’t “aggressive,” Mason says — it’s practical.
“It both helps you understand how important it is, but also helps your manager remember and keep visible the rest of your workload,” she says.
From a manager’s standpoint, clearly communicating what’s on your plate is “very appreciated,” according to Mason.
“It’s not a, ‘How dare they push back.’ It’s more like, ‘Oh yeah, that’s a good reminder,'” she says.
Handling requests from co-workers still requires tact, but it’s okay to take a firmer approach, Mason says.
A script Mason recommends in her book is “Unfortunately, I don’t have bandwidth to give to that the time it deserves.”
Similarly, freelancers can manage their workload by telling clients, “I’m at capacity, and I won’t be able to take that on right now.”
Ultimately, Mason wants professionals to know that saying yes isn’t the only option: “I can make a choice here, and it doesn’t mean career suicide,” she says.
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