“Where are you from?”
“What do you do?”
We’ve all experienced the ritualized exchange of personal facts when getting to know someone. We present curated versions of ourselves: job titles, hometowns, badges of busy-ness.
The thing is, most small talk feels like a polite but boring game of ping-pong. You serve a fact about yourself, they return with one of theirs, and you go back and forth without forming a real connection.
As social scientists studying what makes people click with each other, we’ve found that meaningful bonds form not simply through trading facts or even discovering that you have similar backgrounds, but by treating conversations as an opportunity to co-create.
You can use a simple but powerful technique called “collaborative riffing” to actively build on each other’s thoughts and create your own “shared reality” — an electric sense of merging minds and being on the same wavelength.
That spark of connection often makes a new acquaintance feel like an old friend, whether you’re at a conference, a housewarming party, or on the sidelines of the playground.
The power of collaborative riffing
Your standard small talk might sound something like this:
“How’s work going?”
“Pretty busy, lots of deadlines.”
“Ugh, me too. It’s that time of year.”
“Yeah, hopefully it’ll calm down soon.”
With collaborative riffing, instead of the usual back-and-forth, you build on what the other person just said, adding your own spin. Think of improv comedians building scenes with “yes, and…” It’s the difference between musicians taking turns performing different pieces and improvising off a shared theme. Here’s what it might sound like:
“How’s work going?”
“I’m drowning in meetings. Like, actually drowning.”
“Oh god, same. It’s like you come up for air and there’s just another one waiting.”
“And half of them are about scheduling the real meeting.”
“The pre-meeting meeting! And then the post-meeting debrief!”
“It’s meetings all the way down.”
You’re no longer two separate people exchanging separate facts and experiences. You’re co-creating a little world that didn’t exist until your conversation brought it into being, sharing a stream of consciousness and a way of thinking about and perceiving the world.
Our research shows these moments are pleasant and powerful. In our studies, people who engaged in collaborative riffing with new acquaintances felt significantly closer and more connected. People who experience greater shared reality with others report more meaning in life and stronger relationships. They also performed better at school.
When you truly click with someone, that connection uplifts you. The more we create these moments of genuine connection, the richer our lives become.
4 ways to master conversational riffing
The next time you find yourself stuck in small talk, try to build something together that didn’t exist before you started talking. Here’s how:
Be a little vulnerable: Don’t default to the sanitized version of your experiences. When someone asks about your weekend, share a weird, specific moment that made you laugh instead of the polite highlight reel. Our research shows that these authentic deviations from conversational norms actually increase connection, even if they feel a little risky.Build on, not beside: When someone tells you about something, instead of bringing up a different example from your own life, connect it to something new with: “That reminds me of…” or “I wonder if that’s related to…” Push it into playful territory with: “Can you imagine if…” Or jokingly pitch something you could do together with: “We should totally…”Use callbacks: Reference the mini-world you’ve built together. End conversations with a nod to what you created (“Looking forward to trading meeting escape plans!”) or bring it up in follow-up interactions. These shared references are the foundation for inside jokes and deeper connection.Pick up the pace: Don’t worry about polite pauses. Research shows that in fast-paced conversations with very short pauses between turns, people feel closer than in conversations with more breathing room. Build momentum as if you’re sharing a single stream of consciousness.
Maya Rossignac-Milon is a social psychologist and assistant professor at IESE Business School at the University of Navarra researching how shared reality sparks new connections and underpins the feeling of having “merged minds” with friends, romantic partners, and colleagues. Maya received her Ph.D. in Psychology from Columbia University and was a postdoctoral research scholar at Columbia Business School. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, the BBC, and Forbes, among other outlets. Follow Maya on LinkedIn.
Erica Boothby is a social psychologist and senior lecturer at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. Her research examines people’s beliefs about what others think of them, including illusions and biases that can interfere with social connection, and interventions to improve people’s social lives. Erica received her Ph.D. in Psychology from Yale University and was a postdoctoral researcher at Cornell University. Her work has featured in media outlets including The New York Times, NPR’s Hidden Brain, and Harvard Business Review. Follow Erica on LinkedIn.
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