When a child is struggling, a parent’s instinct is often to try to talk them through it.
But when children are overwhelmed, their stress response kicks in. In those moments, they can’t focus on your words. What they need most is your calm, steady presence.
As a dual-certified child life specialist and therapist, I’ve supported more than 1,000 kids and teens through some of life’s most difficult moments. And as a parent myself, I’ve seen how kids’ “thinking brain” goes offline and their “feeling brain” takes over.
A child can borrow calm from a trusted adult — a process child development professionals call “co-regulation.” Research shows that co-regulation is one of the most powerful ways kids learn to manage stress.
Why silence works
When kids are upset, they aren’t being difficult or ignoring you. Their brains simply aren’t in a place to process explanations, compromises, or corrections. What they need is to feel safe again. Your presence brings that safety back, making them more ready to work through things.
By sitting nearby, offering touch, modeling calm, providing tools, or playing alongside them, you send the message: “You’re not alone. I’m right here with you.” You validate their feelings and build resilience — without saying a word.
Over time, these quiet, supportive gestures teach your child how to manage emotions and recover from stress, even when you’re not by their side.
Here are five ways to silently connect with your child in a difficult moment:
1. Sit beside or near them
Sitting quietly next to your child, or even outside their bedroom door, silently communicates: “I’m here if and when you need me.”
For kids who say they want space, you can respect their request while staying available. As long as they know where to find you, they’ll feel a sense of predictability and security.
2. Offer a hand or gentle touch
Not every child wants to be touched in a difficult moment, and that’s okay. But if they’re open to it, putting your hand on their back, holding their hand, or even stretching out your palm toward them can offer calm and connection.
Let them decide whether to take your hand. Sometimes just knowing it’s there is enough.
Respecting their boundaries shows them you’ll meet their needs on their terms, which makes it easier for them to reach out when they’re ready.
3. Breathe together
Rather than instructing your child to “calm down” or “take a deep breath,” show them. Take slow, visible, audible breaths yourself. Kids often start to match your rhythm without even realizing it.
No one responds well to being told to calm down, but being in the presence of calm makes it easier for their body to settle into the state they need.
4. Bring a calming tool or toy
Children usually have comfort items that help them feel grounded. Gently offering one or placing it nearby gives them the choice to pick it up when they’re ready.
Beyond stuffed animals, consider introducing simple coping tools during calm times, like pinwheels for practicing deep breaths or stress balls for squeezing and fidgeting. Then, in stressful moments, they’ll already know how to use these tools and why they help.
5. Engage in parallel play
When words feel too heavy or inaccessible, quiet play or connection can bridge the gap.
Try coloring, building with blocks, or doodling beside a younger child. Perhaps even use stuffed animals or figurines to play out the situation indirectly. For older kids and teens, this might look like working on a puzzle, reading out loud, or even co-watching a show or video game.
Shared activities create connection without pressure and can make zoning out together feel intentional.
At the end of the day, your child won’t remember your exact words. But they will remember how you made them feel: safe, seen, and supported.
Kelsey Mora is Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who provides custom support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities impacted by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and everyday life stress. She is a private practice owner, mom of two, the creator and author of The Method Workbooks, and the Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit organization Pickles Group.
Want to stand out, grow your network, and get more job opportunities? Sign up for Smarter by CNBC Make It’s new online course, How to Build a Standout Personal Brand: Online, In Person, and At Work. Learn from three expert instructors how to showcase your skills, build a stellar reputation, and create a digital presence that AI can’t replicate.
